THE VICIOUS TRIANGLE &
CONFESSIONS OF AN ABUSER
The LORD tests the righteous, But the wicked and the one who loves violence His soul hates. (Psalm 11:5)
It has been several years since I have forgiven my abuser. He has since married and now facing divorce. I contacted him to tell him that I was working on a domestic violence project and I would like to know why he did what he did. Why he acted the way he did.
I felt it necessary to share this information to make others aware of true deception and wickedness in people that claim to love you. I was with this person for 6 years. Shared everything with him and gave him my total love and support. I dealt with his various forms of abuse, cheating, lying, and wickedness. Here are his exact words:
"I thought I could do anything to you and tell God that I was sorry and he would forgive me. I did not love you. I was in love with the fact that I had someone to love me and do anything for me. I did not care about your feelings or wants. I know you loved me but I did not love you. I hated the fact that everyone loved you and hated me. Therefore, I told several lies on you to try to discredit you. But, no-one but the women that I was cheating with believed me.
I asked, how can a person stay with someone for years like that and feel that way in their hearts towards them? He said, "It was convenient, it was easy, and my heart wasn't in it. It's simple, I faked it. Men can sleep with women and their hearts not be in it. Women tend to put their feelings in everything. I was in control of the situation. I had your heart and your mind and I just knew that you would never leave me no matter what I did to you."
Even after all these years, it was disturbing to hear this, but I am glad I did. I am glad I asked so I could share with others. I knew that he didn't love me, why else would he treat me that way? I loved him, but with each beat down and all the near death experiences I had with this man, I knew that I had a choice to live or die! I chose to live! What I did not understand is that I was dying inside anyway by staying in a toxic relationship like this. I did not set boundaries, I did not love myself, I did not recognize what a a healthy relationship was. I was in a vicious cycle of the triangle of abuse. I was the rescuer that rescued him, the victim from his down and out situation. Helping him get on his feet, sharing everything, giving him a place to stay, and loving him. Then, he, the victim became my prosecutor and hated me for making him feel inadequate, that he can't do anything without me. For making things too easy for him and spoiling him. For not making him be a man and stand on his own two feet. For making sure that he had everything that he needed. I then, became the victim, looking for a way out and found a rescuer after several years of abuse and the cycle continued. This is how I kept getting into abusive, unhealthy relationships. Here is a triangle and a synopsis of how this vicious cycle plays out:
The Victim
Triangle – An unhealthy relational dynamic where
people alternate roles causing an ungodly dependence upon one another.
Victim – Feels helpless, hopeless, and
powerless to change his circumstances; doesn’t feel like the mess he is in is
any of his doing; doesn’t feel like he can change it; feels like he needs
someone to help him, and as a result, takes no responsibility. Mantra:
Poor me.
Rescuer – Has a compelling need to help
victims, feels like that is more important than his own needs, often feels
tired, pulled on, and weighted down; tries to fix victim with short term repairs
resulting in a crippling of the victim, making him dependent and further proving
he is incapable. Mantra: Let me help you.
Persecutor – Feels frustrated at the victim
for being so helpless; feels angry at the rescuer for enabling the victim to
stay a victim; often acts out on that frustration and anger toward the victim
and rescuer. Mantra: It’s all your fault.
Suggested
Guidelines For Helping One Off The Triangle:
·
Confess this
unhealthy dynamic and forgive those who taught it and participated in it.
·
Renounce
related vows and break agreement with evil spirits attached to each role.
·
Connect
person with Father God to get his needs and wants met, including finding out his
true role and identity. (Father Ladder)
·
Root out
associated lies related to hopelessness, powerlessness, false responsibility,
etc., and receive truth. (Presenting Jesus)
·
Replace
unhealthy boundaries with healthy ones. (The Wall)
·
Abide instead
in the Holy Trinity of God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
Suggested
Life Choices and Changes:
·
Take
responsibility for one’s life and let others take responsibility for theirs.
·
Exercise
one’s power and authority as a believer in Christ.
·
Learn and set
healthy boundaries.
·
Surround
oneself with those who are also doing these things.
I just praise the LORD that He has given me a spirit of discernment and peace. I thank Him for all He has brought me through. What He has done for me, He will also do for you. May I lead you in a prayer. This prayer is for the unbeliever and the beliver. Pray with me out loud.
Dear Yahushua (Jesus), I come to you with a sincere heart asking for your forgiveness of my sins. You know everything that has happened to me. You know everything I have done. Please forgive me and come into my heart and make me whole. I confess with my mouth that I believe that You are the Son of the Living God - Father Yahweh and that you died for me and rose from the dead. You died for the sins of the world that we would never be separated from our Father in Heaven or You ever again. Please come into my heart and be my Lord and Savior. Teach me to know and believe the promises in Your Word, the Holy Bible and how they apply to me in my life in this time. I thank You for your love, grace and mercy! Deliver me from this cycle of abuse and allow me to rest in the everlasting love that You have for me. Teach me, show me what true love really is. I now know that if someone truly loves me, I will see Your love in them first. There is no violence in love. I thank You that you have heard my prayer and I trust You with all my heart. Increase my faith, give me courage, bless me with divine protection and strengthen me with Your love! Help me to be a light to others and help me to forgive all my offenders. If I have offended anyone, I pray that they forgive me too. All for Your Glory! In Yahushua's Mighty, Holy and Precious name.....Amen!
If you have prayed this prayer out loud, trust that Yahushua heard you and that He has accepted you. “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7.
The abuser that I spoke of above says that his wife treated him the same way and that he was so sorry that he treated me that way. He said that you reap what you sow. I told him that I forgave him a long time ago, to ask the Lord for forgiveness and to forgive himself. My whole point in sharing this page with you.....don't let the devil steal your joy! The Bible tells us that "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. John 10:10
My abusers and I went through years of abuse and for what? Years were
taken out of my life! Don't let anyone steal anymore of your life!
Yahushua intends for you to live an abundant live....in Victory! May
Yahweh restore all the years the locusts and the cankerworm and everything the
devil stole from you! "And I will restore to you the years that the
locust hath eaten, the cankerworm....Joel 2:25.
May God bless you and keep you in His divine love, peace, joy & protection forevermore!
Additional scriptures on violence!
Psalm
72:14
He will redeem their life from oppression and violence;And precious shall
be their blood in His sight.
Psalm
7:16
His trouble shall return upon his own head,And his violent dealing shall
come down on his own crown.
Psalm
18:48
He delivers me from my enemies.You also lift me up above those who rise against
me; You have delivered me from the violent man.
2
Samuel 22:3
The God of my strength, in whom I will trust;My shield and the horn of my
salvation, My stronghold and my refuge; My Savior, You save me from violence.
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